Question: I find myself in a situation I’ve never been in before and I’m not sure how to handle it. I’m in a relationship with a really great guy and we’ve been together for a little over a year. We get along very well, have great fun together, and have very similar backgrounds. I’m 54 and he’s 44 and we’re both very young for our ages. The problem is that his sex drive is very low and mine is what I consider “healthy.” So ideally I would like to have sex two or three times per week; he would ideally have it once a month. I usually have to initiate sex. I love him very much and I know he loves me as well, but my sexual frustration is beginning to skyrocket and I’m becoming very depressed. Even the thought of cheating on him is unappealing because he’s the only man I want to be with. I don’t want to give up on him or our relationship because, outside of the sexual thing, everything else is working very well!
Answer: I’ve been in this exact same situation. I wanted more sex and she was happy with it once every few weeks. It slowly ate away at me: Am I not sexy? Am I not good in bed? Does she not want me? I started to think that I was an ass because I was thinking about ending a relationship with someone I loved just because of sex. Bottom line: sex is important to me. It’s something that makes me happy. It’s not essential for everyone, that’s fine. But it is to me. We broke up. It was rough. But I made the right choice. You can’t change people — Sir B
Answer: I think you should start by being honest with him about your level of frustration, so that it doesn’t just feel like your problem. From there you can discuss possible solutions including discussing each other’s fantasies and turn-ons and seeing if there are some new approaches that you could take in the bedroom to spice things up. Or he could speak to a doctor. Or you could talk about being in an open relationship, so you are able to satisfy your desires elsewhere if it’s not something he’s interested in. Either way, you need to make him aware of the seriousness of the problem and that it’s in both of your interest to try to find a solution. — Josh
Answer: My first thought (and I’ll apologize beforehand) is that he’s just not physically attracted to you. My second thought is that, as an older man, his sex drive might have diminished since his “very active” days. Regardless of whether you agree with either/both/neither of these possibilities, the question remains: are you willing to be in a relationship where your sexual needs aren’t being met? I don’t think it makes you a shallow person to say no. — Sergio
Answer: Try something new? — Chauncy