Your Royal Highness,

Please accept my most sincere congratulations on your wife’s pregnancy. I bet your grandmother was just breathing down your neck, always asking if this baby’s going to show up. And I bet you were just like “Cool it granny, all in good time” and she was all like “Dude, I’m super old.” And then you all laughed, but then she gave you a look so you knew she wasn’t really joking.

When my wife was pregnant, it was like she was a minor celebrity. She was suddenly a focal point when out in public, and people felt entitled to just approach her and strike up conversations about very private matters. Being the centre of attention is something the Duchess will just have to get used to.

I also hear that she’s been experiencing morning sickness. My heart goes out to her. My wife found it helpful to eat as soon as she woke up to keep the nausea at bay, so I’d make sure to make her some toast with peanut butter first thing. In your case, this will probably be a poached dodo egg on a freshly baked English muffin (or as your people call it, a muffin) served by a robot butler. But it’s the same idea.

If there’s going to be a baby shower (and let’s be honest, there will be 5000 of them), make sure to register. This ensures you get the things you need (baby seat that fits in the horse-drawn carriage) and prevents you from getting eleven Sofie the Giraffes. Although again, in your particular case it’s more likely someone will give you an actual giraffe.

You’re going to have to make the decision if you’re going to have a home birth. Being old fashioned, I feel that monarchs should be born at the palace, surrounded by tapestries and stuffed animal heads, in front of a roaring fire and all the servants. Actually, you were the first royal heir, in 1982, to be born in a hospital. But I’m sure you already knew that absolutely insane fact.

Now, names. I know it’s going to be tempting to go with something “regal,” but consider a name that’s a little more down to earth. Like Hank. King Hank sounds like a king you can go toss a few beers back with. For a girl, Krystall. Just a suggestion.

Willzy (can I call you Willzy?) fatherhood is an amazing ride and is the best thing I’ve ever done. For you, it’s the only thing you’re ever supposed to do, so well done. I know the old saying is you’re supposed to produce “an heir and a spare,” but that was back in the day when royals would get attacked by feral pigs or cursed by witches all the time. So don’t sweat the next one. All in good time.

I remain, Sir, your faithful and obedient subject,

Paul Beer

Paul BeerPaul Beer is a Toronto writer, actor and comedian. You can follow him on Twitter @pauldanielbeer.

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