This week on The Real Housewives of Vancouver, the Ronnie-Mary war takes a backseat to the Jody and Mia attack… and everyone’s kids go back to school.
Here are the highlights, my friends! Stay with me until the end, because that’s when it gets good.
Back to School
Ronnie’s son Houston returns to boarding school via private jet, but not before he forces his mom to change. She was wearing a “cougar” shirt you see, and for a teenager, having a cougar mom is just too embarrassing.
Jody’s daughter Hannah is one of the cutest things EVER, although Jody is perplexed as to why the little thing is adverse to her Burberry skirt (psst: she says “it’s itchy”).
Mary’s teen boys are all suited up for what I assume is private school and Mary is worked up because her oldest is going into Grade 12.
Reiko talks about how tiring it is being a fulltime mom and how busy it can be while getting her daughter ready for school—all while what appears to be a nanny AND her mom pack lunches and get her daughter dressed, while she applies makeup and yawns.
Christina and David have another date. This one involves shooting huge guns and making lots of sexual innuendo.
“Holding a gun makes me feel sexy and powerful, it’s like what I imagine having a penis is,” says Christina.
Back to Rehab
Ronnie’s wine mission continues. She meets with her ad agency to vet potential wine bottle labels for her “Rehab” beverage. Ronnie hates all but two of the 10 options she’s shown and makes that very clear.
Then some wine experts give her aaaaaall sorts of advice and it becomes pretty obvious, pretty quickly, that 1) She and her son know nothing about the wine business and 2) She really, really loves the name “Rehab.”
“I went to rehab. I thought it was wonderful, fabulous, the only thing that was missing was the happy hour.” – Ronnie.
Bourbon Birthday (a.k.a. Where This Recap Gets Good)
So, it’s Ronnie’s bday and she’s graciously invited Mary, even though the two have done nothing but screech at one another and exchange nasty texts lately. But, Ronnie’s very rational and seemingly sweet son tells her that inviting Mary is the “right thing to do” especially since they’ve known each other for 18 years.
If you think this will be a drama-free evening you’re craaaaazy. Jody and feisty daughter Mia are more than ready to cause a stink if Ronnie isn’t willing.
It all starts over drinks. Mary arrives, hugs Ronnie and then Jody and Mia immediately bare their fangs. The initial cause of their derision? Mary’s showing a bit of belly.
“Stomach shirts at 48? Seriously?,” hisses Mia.
“She has a western shirt just under her breast augmentation and her belly button’s all showing. Daisy Duke,” mocks Jody.
Meanwhile, Jody is wearing a totally bizarre fur hat, which inspires these comments from her friends:
“Was that a hat or a f****** ad for waxing?,” Christina’s friend Kevin asks.
“Davy Crocket in drag,” is Christina’s view of the matter.
“There was a chinchilla on her head,” says Ronnie.
Jody, however, is oblivious to the ruckus her hat is causing. She just keeps getting worked up about Mary showing her stomach.
“It’s not pretty. I was appalled, it’s not appropriate… Tummy tuck or no tummy tuck.”
Finally, all the ladies migrate to Bourbon, a country bar complete with a mechanical bull. OF COURSE a bunch of them have to ride it. The one to make the biggest scene is innuendo-loving exhibitionist Christina.
“When the bull stops, she’s still riding the bull,” explains Reiko. If you didn’t see the episode, that pretty much sums up Christina’s performance.
Basically, it looks like everyone’s having a slightly raunchy, but totally fun time. So you KNOW we’re ready for a spat. Although Mary’s been trying to avoid Mia and Jody all night, the two of them corner her at the bar and start poking her, hissing at her and saying: “you’re evil.”
With the help of Ronnie’s son, Mary escapes. But seriously THAT WAS NUTS. That is some real life Mean Girls behaviour.
Next week, Mary and Jody face off again, Jody looks like she’s trying to cause more strife between Mary and Ronnie, and even Reiko seems to get drawn into Jody’s web of fury. Can’t wait!
Stephanie McGrath is a writer whose work has appeared in the Huffington Post, the Toronto Sun, on CBC’s Definitely Not the Opera and… lots of other stuff. She loves TV and anything to do with pop culture, even though she studied some philosophy and other important things in university.