Oh, politics. The six degrees of sexual separation, if you will. At this stage in our lives, many single folk have had their fair share of hookups, dates and mistakes. So what happens when your friend, who is smitten with her new boy, tells you his name, and you realize you and “Mr. Perfect” had a naughty rendezvous once upon a time? Do you let her in on your past with him, or do you stay mum?
What you don’t know can’t hurt you, until you know
I don’t think your friend has any reason to know that you and her partner once had a fling. If you tell her, she’ll likely feel uneasy when he’s around you, even if there’s no reason to. But, if she were to find out down the road from someone else, it will make you look much guiltier. Since she’s smitten with this new guy, I would keep your history under wraps and perhaps, next time you run into him, privately mention that you think it’s best for you guys not to share and see what he says. By doing it in person, you don’t have a paper trail that can be misread and you can keep your friend from getting hurt.
What would she do?
We can often tell what another person would want, based on how they would act. When she mentions her guy to you and gives you the details, she’ll probably ask your opinion (most of us typically want some background on a boy we’re blissful about). Before answering, ask her if she wants to hear it or if she’d be comfortable hearing if there was a mutual friend you know hooked up with him? This way, she has control over the situation, and she can prepare herself. She can decide if she can handle hearing about his history, and if you tell her, she’ll appreciate the gesture that you asked first before putting her in an uncomfortable position. Just be sure to reassure her that you have zero interest, there wasn’t any chemistry and it would never happen again.
Raise awareness
If your former flame was malicious, cruel, hurt you in any way or was deceitful and things didn’t end well, it would be beneficial to let her know, again by asking her first if she wants to hear. In this case, as a friend, it’s your duty to warn her. When people start relationships they’re often love buzzed, on a high from the amazing feeling of meeting someone new, thus blinding them to obvious warning signs. By being open about your situation with him, and perhaps if he has a rep for this sort of behaviour, you can prevent potential heartbreak. This also offers her insight as to why you don’t want to “meet him” or hang out with her when he’s around, without her taking it personally and thinking you’re dodging her for no reason.
Jen Kirsch is a relationship expert, columnist and blogger. For quick tips and tricks, follow her on Twitter @jen_kirsch. Read her posts every Tuesday on Slice.ca.
