Submissions to join the cast of Big Brother Canada have already closed and one of my great regrets is that I did not submit my application in time for consideration. Maybe next time. However, I do feel that this application essay is so strong that it needs to be seen.

To Whom It May Concern,

Greetings. My name is Paul Beer, and I’m humbly submitting to be a contestant on Big Brother Canada.

I think I’d make a good Big Brother houseguest for the following reasons:

  • As a married man, I’m used to being under house arrest 24 hours a day. Hey now! That was a joke.  You see, I am a very funny person. Which brings me to my second point:
  • I am a very funny person. I’d have everyone in the house laughing, even the really intense guy who refuses to wear a shirt. Whenever a fight was about to break out, I’d pick up an iron and talk into it like a telephone. You know, comedy stuff.
  • I’m very comfortable in the hot tub. Oh boy, do I love me a hot tub. It’s my main criteria for choosing a hotel, along with a do-it-yourself waffle station. I love hot tubs so much, I’m quick to take off my shirt and hop in in spite of not exactly being in what you’d call “Ryan Lochte shape.” If you need someone to take their shirt off and get that hot tub party popping, I’m your man.
  • I am a scholar of the game. Remember when a couple of screenwriters tossed tennis balls stuffed with false information into the compound? I do. What’s the name of the robot that shows up every once in a while to insult the houseguests, you ask? Zingbot 3000, I answer.

Look, am I the best-looking houseguest? I am not. Do I have the most strategic mind? Absolutely not (My Monopoly strategy is this: Either I get Boardwalk and Park Place or pretend I have to leave). But one thing I do have? The heart of a damn lion. And a misplaced willingness to take my shirt off.

Not here to make friends,

Paul Beer

If you were in charge of casting, would Paul’s letter win you over?

Paul BeerPaul Beer is a Toronto writer, actor and comedian. You can follow him on Twitter @pauldanielbeer.